Basics to Intimacy

Words of Affirmations

Is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone's primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement, uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person's day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well.

Someone with this love language wants undivided attention. They feel loved if you are present and focused on them when you are together. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the computer, making eye contact, and actively listening. 

A person with physical touch as their primary love language feels love through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the day, for example.

This person's idea of a perfect date might include cuddling on the couch with a glass of wine and a good movie. They simply want to be close to their partner physically.

Acts of service are nice things you do for your partner that make them feel loved and appreciated, such as:

• Helping with the dishes
• Running errands
• Vacuuming
• Putting gas in the car

If your partner's main love language is acts of service, they'll notice and appreciate little things you do for them. They tend to perform acts of service and kindness for others, too.

For someone who uses and responds to this love language, gift-giving indicates love and affection. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into it.

People who enjoy receiving gifts as part of their primary love language do not necessarily expect large or expensive presents; it's more the effort and thoughtfulness behind the gift that count.

When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you really know them. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.

https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538#toc-take-the-quiz-to-identify-your-love-language

A 2016 review published in the Global Journal of Health Science concluded that improving communication skills can aid intimacy in a marriage.1

• Communicative. You talk openly about problems and listen to one another. You respect each other’s opinions.
• Respectful. You value each other’s opinions, feelings, and needs, and give each other the freedom to be yourself and be loved for who you are.
• Trusting. You believe what your partner has to say and don’t feel the need to “prove” each other’s trustworthiness.
• Honest. You’re honest with each other but can still keep some things private.
• Equal. You make decisions together and hold each other to the same standards. You and your partner have equal say with regard to major decisions within the relationship. All partners have access to the resources they need.
• Setting boundaries. You enjoy spending time apart, alone, or with others. You respect each other’s need for time and space apart. You communicate with each other about what you are and aren’t comfortable with.
• Practicing consent. You talk openly about sexual and reproductive choices together. All partners always willingly consent to sexual activity and can safely discuss what you are and aren’t comfortable with.
• Parenting supportively. All partners are able to parent in a way that they feel comfortable with. You communicate together about the needs of the child(ren), as well as the needs of the parents.

We all express and receive love differently. Learning and understanding those differences can have a meaningful impact on your relationship. According to Chapman, this is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships. Here are some other ways learning your respective love languages could be beneficial.

When you are committed to learning someone else's love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Chapman's theory. Couples should work to learn their partner's love language rather than trying to convince their partner to learn theirs. Ideally, both people will want to express love in a way that is meaningful to the other.

The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.

Love Language Quiz - What Makes You Swoon?

In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:

• Tells you, "I love you," or praises something you did?
• Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
• Plans a trip for just the two of you?
• Runs the errands or does the laundry?
• Holds your hand while you're walking?

Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner.

Your partner's love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language (and you, theirs), they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.

1. What's your idea of a perfect date?

A. Somewhere quiet enough for us to have a deep conversation.

B. My partner surprises me with tickets to my favorite musician.

C. I love a good Netflix and chill.

Going out dancing!

D. My partner cooks my favorite meal for dinner.

2. What's your favorite part of the holiday season?

A. Getting thoughtful gifts that show how well my partner knows me.

B. Getting extra time off to spend with my partner.

C. Getting cozy with that special someone in front of the fireplace.

D. Hearing the love and appreciation my partner has for me.

E. My partner actively planning to make our holidays amazing.

3. What kind of surprise would show that your partner really gets you?

A. They throw me a surprise birthday party.

B. They take the afternoon off work to spend time with me.

C. Leaving little love notes scattered around the house for me to find.

D. Turning on our song and sweeping me off my feet.

E. Getting me the perfect little gift they spotted on their way home from work.

4. Which of these are you most likely to tell your partner you need more of?

A. Physical intimacy

B. Attention

C. Deep conversations

D. Thoughtful surprises

E. Help around the house

As you learn more about how your partner experiences love, you learn to empathize with them. It helps you step outside of yourself for a moment and take a look at what makes another person feel significant and loved.

When couples are committed to learning and using the love languages, they increase their emotional intelligence and learn how to put someone else's needs above their own. Instead of speaking their own love language to their partner, they learn how to speak in a language that their partner understands.

Regularly talking about what keeps your love tanks full can build more understanding—and ultimately, intimacy—in your relationship. You'll not only learn more about one another, but you'll also connect in deeper, more significant ways. When this happens, your relationship feels more intimate.

Focusing on something or someone outside of yourself can lead to personal growth. Loving your partner in ways that are outside our comfort zone  forces you to grow and change, and to look outside yourself.

When couples start speaking one another's love language, the things they do for each other become more intentional and meaningful. They are saying "I love you" in ways that make sense to their partners, who then feel noticed, content, and appreciated.

According to Chapman, love languages also apply to relationships between parents and children, among coworkers, and among friends. For example, if your child's primary love language is words of affirmation, they'd like to hear verbal praise or, "I love you." It's highly individual: A coworker might feel more appreciated if you use one love language instead of another.

Your love language can also change occasionally. For instance, if you had a bad day at work, you might prefer a hug from your partner rather than an encouraging word.2

The key is to regularly communicate and ask what your partner needs  to feel cherished, heard, appreciated, and loved. Then, put this into practice.

Many people talk about love languages in the context of committed relationships or marriage. Remember that learning and understanding your own love language is an important tool for you to practice self-love.

You want to avoid putting too much pressure on your partner to consistently express your love language to you.

One study found that the biggest obstacle for couples who were using each other's love languages was that the recipient often didn't recognize that their partner was trying to use their love language.3 It's crucial that the recipient recognizes their partner's efforts, even if they don't exactly meet expectations.

5. Which of these is most likely to be on your dating profile?

A. "My toxic trait is falling for a sweet talker."

B. "Power PDA enthusiast."

C. "If I'm not your priority, don't waste my time."

D. "It's either Prada or nada."

E. "You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?"

6. If you're working on a home improvement project, what's the best way for your partner to help out?

A. I love when they're willing to get their hands dirty with me.

B. Picking up the exact tools I need from the hardware store.

C. A surprise hug from behind and a kiss on the cheek does the trick.

D. Encouragement while I'm working, and it wouldn't hurt to hear how great a job I did after it's done.

E. I'm happy just to have them hanging out where I'm working.

7. When it's time for a romantic getaway, what's your ideal trip?

A. Somewhere we can reminisce about all the places we've been.

B. I love a trip where we get to try new things together.

C. I'll go anywhere if my partner plans it on their own as a gift.

D. We need a private villa, if you know what I mean.

E. Wherever it is, I want my partner to make sure I'm getting pampered.

8. What's your favorite thing about being in a relationship?

A. Having someone to share my life with.

B.Having someone tell me how much they love and care about me.

C. Having someone who knows how to surprise me when I need it the most.

D. Having someone who can help share my burdens, and vice versa.

E. Having someone to cuddle with before bed every night.

9. Which of these songs best describes you?

A. "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" - Janet Jackson

B. "Say Don't Go" - Taylor Swift

C. "Stay With Me" - Sam Smith

D. "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" - The Beatles

E. "24 Karat Magic" - Bruno Mars